**TSA Gold+™: Now Get Pat Down by a Guy Who’s *Really* Sorry It’s Not a Private Jet**

TSA Gold+™: Now Get Pat Down by a Guy Who’s Really Sorry It’s Not a Private Jet

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a program officials are calling “the most American solution to airport anxiety since the $13 sandwich,” the TSA has unveiled TSA Gold+™, a premium security tier that promises to make you feel almost as important as you are annoyed.

The new service, which costs $849/year, adds exactly one exclusive feature: your own personal TSA agent who will explain, in excruciating detail, why the pat-down is necessary. “We’ve found that passengers don’t actually hate the groping,” said a spokesperson. “They just hate when the groping is done by someone quiet.”

The irony is, of course, exquisite. Travelers are paying a premium for the luxury of being treated like a potential threat, but with better customer service. The Gold+ lanes, dubbed “The Purgatory Express,” feature complimentary anxiety, ergonomic cattle chutes, and a “trauma-informed” bin slide that whispers “it’s for your safety” as your laptop goes through the X-ray.

Early adopters are thrilled. “I used to get felt up for free by a stranger in a uniform,” said frequent flyer Karen B., “Now I pay for the prestige of being felt up by a stranger in a name-brand fleece. It’s not about the invasion of privacy; it’s about the quality of the invasion.”

The service is part of a broader partnership with Delta, who will now offer a “Premium Basic Economy” coach seat where you have to stand, but the standing is done in a “curated aisle.” The TSA is also testing a “Fast-Pass for Second Screening” that lets you cut the line to get your luggage swabbed