**TSA Gold+:** Because First Class Wasn't Bougie Enough to Skip the Line.

TSA Gold+: Because First Class wasn’t bougie enough to skip the line.

Heard it here first—the TSA just unveiled their new “Gold+” tier, where for the low, low price of your firstborn and your soul, you get screened by a butler in a bespoke suit instead of a bored government employee. Apparently, the old system of “take off your shoes and pray” wasn’t elitist enough, so now we have the “Platinum Glove Pat-Down.” It includes a complimentary glass of champagne while they swab your laptop for drugs.

AITA for thinking this is just a $400 entrance fee to a clown show where the clowns are all secretly judging my carry-on bag? TL;DR: Rich people get a faster, fancier version of getting felt up. Meanwhile, I’m still stuck taking my belt off for the 8th time while the TSA agent sighs like I ruined their day. Revolutionary.