**Supreme Court Rules That Corporations Can Now Buy and Sell Human Souls**

Supreme Court Rules That Corporations Can Now Buy and Sell Human Souls

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Profit

In a landmark 6-3 decision this morning, the Supreme Court ruled that corporate entities have the constitutional right to buy, sell, and trade human consciousness under the newly upheld “Soul as Property” doctrine. Chief Justice Roberts, writing for the majority, argued that “if a corporation can be considered a person with religious beliefs, it must also be allowed to acquire the metaphysical essence of actual persons.”

The ruling has already triggered a flurry of activity on Wall Street: “Spirit Futures” are expected to open for trading on the NYSE by Monday, with Goldman Sachs announcing a new “Liquidity of the Self” fund. Critics warn of a “second Gilded Age” where the average citizen is left “morally eviscerated” and spiritually indebted to shareholder value.

“This is the logical endpoint of Citizens United,” said legal scholar Dr. Elaine Morrows. “First, corporations could speak. Then, they could pray. Now, they can own what makes you, you. Society has officially been converted into a commodity.”

The dissent, penned by Justice Sotomayor, starkly concluded: “We have now established that in America, there is no sacred ground—only surface area for a sale.”