**SCOTUS Finally Drops the Hammer: Says the Constitution Can’t Be Read Over a Mic on a Jet Ski Going 90 MPH**

SCOTUS Finally Drops the Hammer: Says the Constitution Can’t Be Read Over a Mic on a Jet Ski Going 90 MPH

WASHINGTON D.C. – AITA for saying this is the most useless ruling since they legalized mobile bingo?

In a landmark 6-3 decision that the internet definitely asked for, the Supreme Court has officially ruled that the Constitution does not apply to “vibes-based jurisprudence” or anyone yelling “I have rights” during a high-speed police chase on a jet ski.

TL;DR: A Florida man named Chad B. McSkids was pulled over while piloting a rented Seadoo through a marina at 87 knots, screaming that the 4th Amendment protected his “naturally buoyant search radius.” He was carrying three open beers, a parrot named “Litigious,” and a suspiciously tactical cooler.

The majority opinion, penned by Justice Thomas (who famously ghostwrote the dissenting footnote in the “Toaster vs. Pop-Tart” case), states: “The framers of 1787 could not have foreseen the sanctity of a ‘sick jump’ nor the constitutional privilege of a ‘gnarly wipeout.’ The 4th Amendment requires a reasonable expectation of privacy. Conducting felonies while successfully dabbing for the GoPro does not meet this threshold.”

The dissent, written by Justice Sotomayor in the form of a strongly worded Yelp review, argued that the ruling “sets a dangerous precedent for anyone trying to vibe-check a federal agent from a floating scooter.”

Reactions: The internet has already done the math. A swift poll on r/legaladvice shows 94% of users now believe they can legally commit arson on a hoverboard, provided they say “I plead the fifth” while doing a kickflip.

The parrot has since been appointed to a federal clerk position.

#OnlyInAmerica #W