**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CINCINNATI, OH – In a development that has sent shockwaves through the parkour community and left physicists both baffled and mildly concerned, King’s Island has announced that its iconic roller coaster, the Millennium Force, has been officially designated as a “Mid-Atlantic Emergency Staircase.”

The decision, announced via a press release written entirely in Comic Sans and signed by a man who identified himself only as “Larry the Lift Hill,” cites a recent viral TikTok trend where enthusiasts use the coaster’s 310-foot ascent as a “slightly aggressive fire escape” to avoid a 30-minute wait for Dippin’ Dots.

“I was stuck behind a family of five debating which funnel cake to get for 45 minutes,” said local influencer Chad Thrillson, 24, who claims to have started the trend. “I looked at that hammerhead turn and thought, ‘That’s just a sky-high crosswalk with a sick view.’”

Officials confirm that riders will now be issued a safety waiver, a pair of gym socks, and a laminated map of the park’s lower lot as they reach the top of the lift hill before being politely asked to “start walking due north.” The park’s official statement reads: “If you can look an 80-degree drop in the eye and decide your knees are more reliable, you’re legally allowed to tap out. However, any rider who uses the ‘scenic route’ will be banned from the log flume for life and forced to buy a season pass to Cedar Point.”

The internet, predictably, has lost its collective mind.

“It’s peak irony,” explains Dr. Sarah Memelord, a viral culture expert from the University of Ohio. “Millennium Force was built to be a relentless, 93-mph flex over the tyranny of gravity. Now it’s being used as a **