**NEWSFLASH: WEATHER SERVICE ISSUES "EMERGENCY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT" HEAT ADVISORY**

NEWSFLASH: WEATHER SERVICE ISSUES “EMERGENCY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT” HEAT ADVISORY

Death Valley, CA — In a controversial move that has the internet equal parts furious and hysterical, the National Weather Service has officially rebranded today’s “Excessive Heat Warning” to an “Aggressive Emotional Support Advisory,” citing a collective national meltdown.

“We noticed that every time we tell people to stay indoors and hydrate, they get ticked off and ask, ‘What are we supposed to do, cancel summer forever?’” said lead meteorologist Dr. Karen Sweatsalot. “So, we’re leaning in. The heat isn’t just hot—it’s judging you for sweating through your shirt before 9 AM.”

The meme economy is exploding. The official NWS social media account posted a graphic of a melting ice cube with the text: “This is fine. But also, it’s not. Get inside before the sun becomes sentient and asks for rent.”

Citizens are reportedly experiencing a phenomenon called “Thermal Gaslighting,” where the 112°F feels less like a temperature and more like a personal critique of their life choices. “My phone says ‘feels like 118°’,” tweeted user @SweatyAndSorry. “But my soul says ‘feels like your ex scrolling your profile.’”

Local businesses are adapting. A pop-up in Phoenix is now selling “Hydration for Emotional Validation” — bottles of water with affirmations like, “You are worth this electrolytes.”

The advisory is set to expire when the sun apologizes, or winter comes. Whichever is less likely.