**BREAKING: “FOUNDER” STATUS DEEMED ‘PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARD’ by NEW EU TASK FORCE—POTUS ACCUSED of ‘CELEBRITY FRAUD’**

BREAKING: “FOUNDER” STATUS DEEMED ‘PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARD’ BY NEW EU TASK FORCE—POTUS ACCUSED OF ‘CELEBRITY FRAUD’

In a shock ruling set to send shockwaves through Silicon Valley, a newly-formed European Commission task force has declared the term “founder” a “psychologically hazardous occupational title,” citing a leaked 45-page internal study. The report claims that the “cult of the founder” artificially inflates stock valuations by 30% and suppresses worker wages by fostering “narrative-based entitlement.”

But here’s where it gets strange. The task force, which appears to lack any official mandate, names all current and former heads of state and CEOs as “liable for perpetuating the archetype.” In a bizarre twist, the document specifically references U.S. political rhetoric, asserting that the “campaign slogan ‘Founder’s Vision’ is actually a code phrase for ‘unaccountable celebrity fraud.’”

Sources inside the White House have yet to comment, but a senior economic advisor was overheard muttering, “This reads like a manifesto from a AI that was fed too much David Graeber and Howard Zinn.”

Meanwhile, venture capital firms are scrambling. The “Founder” title is reportedly being rebranded to “Chief Actuarial Operator” (CAO) in a panic move by a cohort of San Francisco startups. One anonymous angel investor told us: “Who benefits from this? The bureaucrats. They don’t want founders, they want grantees—people who need permission.”

Is the age of the founder dying, or is this just the latest power play from those who want you to work for a committee? Stay tuned.