**HEADLINE:** SPURS STAR DEVIN VASSELL SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROYS the ECONOMY AFTER SCORING 22 POINTS

HEADLINE: SPURS STAR DEVIN VASSELL SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROYS THE ECONOMY AFTER SCORING 22 POINTS

DATELINE: SAN ANTONIO, TX – In what economists are calling “The Great Vassell Recession of 2025,” San Antonio Spurs guard Devin Vassell inadvertently crashed the global market Thursday night following a routine 22-point performance against the Brooklyn Nets.

It all started when a rogue AI trading algorithm, programmed to search for “unexpected professional growth,” misread Vassell’s stat line. Confusing his standard “22 points on 50% shooting” with a “22% GDP surge in the shooting sports sector,” the bot liquidated 3 trillion dollars in treasury bonds, causing the S&P 500 to plummet.

“I was just trying to hit my mid-range jumper,” a bewildered Vassell told reporters post-game, clutching a basketball like a life raft. “Next thing I know, my 401(k) is down 40% and people are trading vintage Manu Ginobili jerseys for canned goods.”

Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell held an emergency press conference, visibly sweating. “We have never seen a single basketball player cause a liquidity crisis this fast. Not even Michael Jordan in ‘The Last Dance’ era had this kind of velocity. We are currently reprogramming all trading bots to exclude any player who averages between 15 and 25 points per game.”

As the Dow Jones continued to tumble, Spurs fans were left to ponder the irony: For years, they begged for Vassell to break out. Now, they just pray he doesn’t break the bank—or the entire Western financial system.